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Fear

When setting goals or tasks I’ve learned that before I pursue them, to ask myself what I fear about them. It’s easy to put things off and procrastinate on projects when we have an unresolved fear about them. We may not even realize what that fear is or that it’s holding us back.

With meditation to help keep a clear mind and quiet time throughout the day to reflect I’ve been able to explore some of these deep seeded issues. What makes me not want to finish my biography? Is it a fear that my family will hate me? A fear that they already don’t remember so much and won’t even believe these things happened? A fear that they’ll think I’m just doing it for attention? A fear that society will think I’m doing for attention? A fear people in general won’t believe me? A fear of putting my business out there? Well DAMN! It’s literally ALL OF THOSE THINGS! No wonder it’s taken me 5 years to write 2 chapters. Reliving my past is hard enough let alone having all these realistic fears that could possibly come to fruition with the completion of this book.

Take the one thing you want most but do nothing to get it. Be it the job, the girl the hobby. What are your fears? Scared of rejection? Failure? Think of that specific feeling and then think of the first time you ever felt that feeling.

When I was about 12 my father basically stopped talking to me all together( the full explanation and story will be in my book). It was so painful and when I think of that happening again, it terrifies me. I don’t want to relive that experience.

It’s often our pasts that dictate how we live in the present moment, let’s not let our pasts control us.

The only thing I can do in regards to my book is just finish it anyways. Sure there are realistic fears. There is a chance that my father could never talk to me again but I would hope that even if he doesn’t remember certain parts of my book that he would be able to recognize that there is a high probability that they are true. And in regards to him being upset that I wrote a book about my past I hope he could see that it is my story to tell and that I have a right to do that if I want to. The book is mostly about my mother anyways, if she were alive I know that she wouldn’t even mind that much even though it would be hard for her to take. I have a feeling she would read the book and then just give me a bunch of apologies even if her kindness didn’t last long.

As far as strangers not believing my story, well fuck them. Take it or leave it, I don’t really care. If I was writing it for attention I would’ve been able to put it out the first year I was writing it but because it is my true story it has been so challenging for me and it has taken me so long to finish.

All we can do is our best for ourselves and some people stay with us and some people will not. It’s important to stay true to ourselves and not worry about who we may have to leave behind. If people can’t support us and what is best for us then we shouldn’t be around them anyway as hard as it may be for ourselves.

Stay true to you and the glory will find you along the way.

One thought on “Fear

  1. I am happy that you are working on a book. I have to be honest and say you have peaked my curiocity but know that it must be a very dark area of your life.
    I think most people shall receive it positively especially because you are being honest.

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