Growing up I had never placed much value on friendships, with the type of childhood I had it seemed silly and arbitrary to worry about friends when I had more pressing issues at hand. I took that with me through my teen years and onto adulthood. While other people I knew were going out and getting lit on their 21st birthday I was on a flight to Florida to host an event. I even found it silly and embarrassing that they had surprised me with cake at the event. I didn’t want any personal touches from these people and I cared very little about my birthday, I had the same view on it as someone turning 48, just another day.
I had been conditioned to care only about surviving. Making money and buying things to ensure I’d never end up back where I was. At the beginning of my career it was necessity. I paid off debt, rented a house, bought a washer and dryer, a bed, a kitchen table with chairs.
People think that porn is easy when truth of the matter is that it’s a lot of work just like any other career. It starts with me packing a bag, making my 6am flight and preparing to leave home for 2 weeks. 8am call times, paperwork, make up, photos, the scene and often the same thing on repeat afterwards, getting home at about 9 each night each day and then waking up and doing the same thing over the next morning. It’s what makes the difference between a porn girl and a porn star. The porn stars aren’t the prettiest or the best at sex, they are the ones that get hired again and again based on dependability and professionalism.
When I wasn’t in LA shooting videos I was on the road doing store signings, feature dancing at clubs, doing photoshoots and interviews and doing guest appearances at night clubs. It sounds like a glamorous life and of course a lot of it was but it was also lonely and left little time to have much of my own life. Not being home 200 days out of the year and spending a great deal of my time on planes and in airports isn’t exactly living it up however it is exactly what I wanted.
My necessity purchases quickly became excess purchases. I was now building a custom house and trading in that cute kitchen table and chairs for an extravagant one with custom upholstered chairs. I had put my head down and hustled through life, like a football player that has the ball, looking down and just running with all his might, looking up just enough to make sure nothing is in his way, that was me. I ran and ran until before I knew it I was 28 with a beautiful home in Indiana, a gorgeous apartment in LA and a beautiful Mercedes in the driveway.
One day as I was sitting alone as usual surrounded by all of my stuff I began to walk around and touch each item. As my hand caressed over the top of each thing I realized I had completely isolated myself and that I had nobody to share any of this with. “What is the point of any of this if I don’t have anyone to share it with?” I asked myself aloud. When the few friends that had miraculously stayed by my side over the years did text me, they were met with, “I’m busy”, “I’m working” or often, no response at all. I was disgusted and disappointed with myself and knew it was time for a change.
Now I text my friends. For no reason at all. I will stop working, pick up my phone and ask how they are doing. Often we just talk about them and not me at all AND I LOVE IT because I love them and care about what they are going through and how they’re feeling.
It has changed my life being proactive with my friendships. I rekindled old friendships and made tons of new ones too. Instead of being closed off at get togethers I now open up to new people. Instead of viewing hanging out as a waste of time and thinking about how I can’t wait to get back to work I now think of it as an investment into my self care and happiness.
My money has suffered since I decided to have a personal life but what is money if I’m alone? I am much more fulfilled now. Fin.