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Living Tiny

Living Tiny

I’m sure most of us have seen the shows by now, the ones where people trade in their houses to live mortgage free in these tiny houses that range from 400-600 square feet. I’m sure we’ve all also said ourselves, “Kudos to them but I could never do it”. There are some of us that see it and think a little bit longer though… “What would my life be like if I had no mortgage and next to no utility bills?” “What would it be like to not be paying insane property tax rates each year or HOA fees?” 

When I was 21 I decided it was a super fabulous idea to build a house that’s roughly 4000 square feet including garage. I decided to build in Indiana to be close to family and friends though I was in California and traveling a great deal of the time. Of course I added every customization possible, including ones the builders had never done before and had to outsource outside of their usual contracted people. The house is in fact so customized that it doesn’t make much sense for most people besides a badass business lady that lives by herself with fabulous cats. 

To the average person seeing it that isn’t buying it, they say,”This home is beautiful and perfect! You’ll have no issue selling it at all!” Well, surprise, this house was on the market once before when I was living in LA full time and the biggest complaint was the extra bedrooms, they aren’t small, they are average size but when people see this house I think they are expecting something grand for their children as well (most people in Indiana have kids, we aren’t in West Hollywood anymore Toto). Now, I’m not exactly sure what they want their kids to be doing up there, cartwheels, sprints etc, but they want massive rooms for their children, plus there are only 3 bedrooms total including the master which doesn’t seem like much to a someone in Indiana that hears that a house is this large. I’m going to park this thought for now and circle back to it.

The first time I thought about getting rid of this house was actually shortly after I moved into it. This was the first time I owned a home so I went out to Ethan Allen and had them decorate the whole thing top to bottom, including custom oriental rugs and lavish window treatments (You’d never believe how much tassels cost.) At this point, when the house is done and fully decorated I am 23. One day as I’m in my massive house all alone I begin walking past each item and through every room, caressing things as I walked by. With each item I touched I’d think in my mind, “and this doesn’t bring me happiness, and this doesn’t bring me happiness..” 

Within a year after building I was living in LA full-time. I got the cutest tiniest 600 sq ft apartment and I LOVED it. I bought new furniture for it as it would have cost more to get my things across country and the place was perfect besides the fact that it was in the valley. After a year of living there I quickly realized I needed to be in West Hollywood and after sometime, I found the cutest loft apartment that I again, LOVED so much. It was in living there that I realized how little I actually needed.

When I had first moved to LA I came back to my house in Indiana often but as the years passed, my visits became less frequent to the point where I didn’t return at all my last year. It was in that time that I had listed it but at the price I wanted for it, wouldn’t budge. I eventually took it off the market and decided that I didn’t want to be in LA anyways, I wanted to be in New York City, which has always been my dream and my personality matches them much better. For anyone that doesn’t agree; you don’t know me. 

I came back to Indiana and decided it’d be a nice place to take a break, write my book then get this house sold for real this time and move onto my dream of NYC. The book has proven more difficult than expected, not due to my ability to write, but rather the contents. I got to Chapter 4 then laid in bed for a couple weeks due to a mass depression it put me in. It’s difficult to write things that I’ve worked my whole life to forget. While taking a break from writing I met the most beautiful girl that is now my fiancé. Wasn’t expecting that to happen in Indiana, again, another blog for another time. So I take this fantasy girl to NYC to see what she thinks and she’s like, “Yasssssssss” So boom, after we get married, we’re taking off to start our lives on the East Coast. 

This brings me back to the house; the last thing I want us to worry about as newly weds starting our life in NYC is trying to sell this house and its contents so I’ve met with a listing agent. That part is easy, my house continues to drive up in value as I built in a very up and coming neighborhood however the contents… the contents… what was I thinking…

I am way to embarrassed to admit how much I spent on furnishing a 3 story house in Ethan Allen top to bottom but lets just say- it’s a lot. Not to mention all of my clothes, gadgets etc. Things still in boxes, still with tags… basically because I’m a terrible person filled with gluttony. Also, I receive a lot of gifts that are great but just maybe not the most practical so they remain in packaging. 

So I think “tag sale”. Well, long story short, the tag sale guy told me there’s no way in Indiana I’m going to get even a percentage of what I put into this. Well then my friend from Boston (a real city) told me about a place online that will come clear the whole house and sell everything on a global market, I checked it out and they were getting great bids on furniture meaning the most I’d lose is 50% on most of my items which would still be a hefty chunk of change for me in the end but SURPRISE- they don’t service Indiana. I asked if I could bring everything there on a truck but first they need me to take an individual photo of each item… each item… individually and well, since I only have about 18,000 items in my house this is a no brainer right? HAHAHAHHAAHHA omg I want to die. 

So I have 2 options, tag sale and make next to nothing or (let’s just go by the most valuable items) take 500 photos, email 500 photos, get 500 photos approved and then load 500 items onto a truck without damaging anything and dropping them off in Chicago (the closest real city to me). 

I guess I’m going to get to taking photos… 

Living small seems great as long as you’re not coming from something too large or extravagant. 

Update on my feels: I’m going to have my own tag sale with friends and see what I can move on my own before I get into photos and hauling things to Chicago. 

My wish is to get everything out of this house and get it sold by summer so that by fall we are in an apartment and we can have a nice easy move to NYC with just the things we truly care about and want. 

P.S. Before any criminals try to break in and haul bookshelves and dressers away, I have 3 guns with hollow point bullets, cameras on the entire exterior and interior of my home, a security system like out of the movies and most importantly, a no hesitation shoot to kill if someone is breaking in. 

P.S.S If anyone has any advice please let me know! I’ll take all the advice I can get! Thanks! 

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A Gift Exchange Between You and I!!!!!

Gift Exchange

With the holidays approaching I wanted to offer a gift exchange program! Instead of receiving without giving anything in return I thought this would be a great way to say thank you for all you do! Remember this includes shipping costs for me and I ship overseas often not to mention time in fulfilling orders, creating and printing shipping labels, going to post office etc so I’ve made it as fair and balanced as possible. 

Here are some guides but before we get started, DON’T FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS ON THE AMAZON NOTE! If it doesn’t give you an option to do that than email with proof of purchase and your full name and address. 

Amazon Wishlist Link: 

Gift amounts of what you purchase and what I send back in return:

$5-$10 Personalized Glossy Greeting card of me on the front with a personal message inside, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent.  

$11-$20  4×6 photo of me from pro shoots I’ve collected over the years, 

with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. 

$21-$30  5×7 photo of me from pro shoots and personal life I’ve collected over the years, 

with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent.

$31-$40 Proffesional 8×10 with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent.

$41-$50 8×10 photo of me from pro shoots I’ve collected over the years, with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent.

$51-$60 24×18 Full Size Poster with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. 

$61-$70 Penthouse Centerfold Magazine with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. 

$71-$80 Proffesional 8×10 with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. Also the Penthouse Centerfold Magazine with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. 

$81-$90 24×18 Full Size Poster with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. Also the Penthouse Centerfold Magazine with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent

$91-$100 Personalized Glossy Greeting card of me on the front with a personal message inside, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. Also, 8×10 photo of me from pro shoots I’ve collected over the years, with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. Also, Full Size Poster with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent.

$101-$150 Penthouse Bundle Pack of all 3 magazines with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. Also, a Full Size Poster with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. 

$151-$200 Playboy Magazine with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. Also, Penthouse Centerfold Magazine with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. Also, 24×18 Full Size Poster with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. 

$201-$250 Diamond Texting Package with me for entire month

$251-$300 Diamond Texting Package with me for entire month plus Playboy Magazine with a personal message, an autograph, lipstick kiss and perfume scent. 

$301 and Up  Half an hr phone call with me.

Amazon Wishlist Link:

I look forward to our exchange! Happy Holidays! 

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My lesbian rant

Questions that people ask lesbians that are not okay to ask- I am going to answer these to hopefully spare future lesbians these derogatory and personal questions. I just want you to know, anytime you ask someone about their sexual orientation, race or religion (unless you’re interested in joining) you could just replace those words with, “Why aren’t you like me?” (Straight white Christian people)Maybe that will put things in perspective. 

  1. Who is the man? Neither of us, that’s the point. 
  2. Why do you dress like a man? I don’t, I dress the same but with my hair short it makes you think I look like a man. 
  4. Don’t you ever miss dick? AGAIN- not appropriate! But to answer this personally- do I miss never coming and a dude pumping for 2-3 minutes and then making a mess all over me then I have to clean it up and make myself come? No. I don’t miss that. 
  5. You just haven’t had the right one. A lot of lesbians I know never had sex with a man at all or only a few so it’s tough for them to defend this moronic question but on behalf of all lesbians- I have had sex with at least 100 male porn stars. We are talking 8-12 inches of solid hard dick that can fuck for hours in any position without losing an erection or coming- and I still ended up with a ring on my finger from a woman. I’ve dated LOTS of great guys, super sweet, considerate, intelligent, educated and fun but couldn’t fall in love with them. I just prefer sex and a relationship with a woman. I know men aren’t used to being told they can’t have something but there are PLENTY of straight women in the sea. Leave the lesbians alone. 
  6. Why do lesbians cut their hair short? All kinds of women cut their hair short. A majority of women over 50 have short hair and nobody says anything to them. Not all lesbians have short hair, in fact, most lesbians I know have regular women’s hair lengths, it’s just that the lesbians with short hair stand out more. You are likely to see lesbians every single day and you just don’t realize it because they both have long hair. I can’t answer why all people cut their hair but I cut mine cause I hate long hair, I throw it up in a bun everyday and the pulling and weight of that bun always hurt my scalp so I decided to cut it off. I hate the feeling of hair on my neck and in my face. It’s a nuisance to me. 
  7. But seriously, who is the man in the relationship? Again- neither and also- none of your business. If we went by who’s the boss it’d be your girlfriend or wife- we all know women call the shots, men joke about this all the time and they know it’s true. We both have a feminine and masculine side to us. Gender is fluid and honestly, kids are raised too black and white with the gender thing. Some girls like fire trucks and some boys like dolls. Doesn’t make them gay, that’s just their interests. 
  8. If lesbians are attracted to women that look like dudes why not just be with one? Again- this is so derogatory and unacceptable. Never say that out loud, it’ll make you look like an envious, desperate, unworldly and uneducated fool. To me, even if a woman is dressed in jeans a t shirt with a ball cap, sneakers and short hair, I can tell just from the back that she’s a woman by the shape of her body. It’s seriously not hard. There is something with women cutting their hair short that makes people blind to the rest of her body. It’s very strange. A woman with short hair that isn’t in a dress still looks very much a woman to me.

Bottom line- don’t say/ask anything to a gay couple that you wouldn’t say/ask to a straight couple. If you have a general curiosity- it’s 2018- GOOGLE IT. If you want to know the details about that couple in particular- too bad cause it’s none of your business. 

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Sex Workers Aren’t Allowed to Have Respectable Jobs

A New Jersey Sheriffs officer loses her job because she used to be a dominatrix. Someone recognized her (obviously) and when asked about her past she denied it (of course) but when they found it to be true they fired her because they didn’t want to be “the subject of inquiry and ridicule among law enforcement”. The lawyer that was representing her apparently dropped her like a hot potato once it came out that she was indeed a dominatrix in her past.

Many people are disgusted with sex workers, they dislike that they would sell their bodies and not utilize their minds but time and time again articles appear in the news of these women trying to move on become a productive part of society.

Not all women from traumatic childhood’s become sex workers but all sex workers come from traumatic childhoods. Women deny it for a multitude of reasons; it’s bad for business to let fans or customers know there was abuse of any kind, it’s not exactly the sexiest thing to hear. They also don’t want to appear as victims or have people feel bad for them. Whatever the reason, it’s there and the fact is when we turn 18 we are purely a product of our environment. It isn’t until years later that many of us realize we can be anything we want to be, that we don’t have to be what our family made us think we are. Sadly, by the time we’ve gotten some counseling, read some self help books and just have a more developed mind in general; it’s too late. Whether it was the strip club, phone sex, a high dollar escort, prostitute on the street corner, a college girl on a sugar daddy site paying her way through college, a porn star or a cam girl there is at least one man out there that will recognize us and that is terrifying.

The sex industry is the one job where the better you are at it, the more you’ll pay for it later. The more a woman works, the more well known she is and the more well known, the more men will recognize her.

This woman obviously didn’t want to be a dominatrix, if she did, that’s what she would have still been doing. She had thought at the time that’s what her worth was so she gave into the fast (never easy) money. She could EASILY make more as a dominatrix than a cop but she didn’t WANT to be a dominatrix. She had come to that point in her life where she wanted more for herself and she went out there to get it.

Now let’s talk about men that watch dominatrix. I will provide a list here of things men have talked to me about when they wanted me to be their dominatrix:
Wearing Diapers
Going “pee-pee” or “poo-poo” in their diapers
Being their “mean mommy”
Making me tell them their a bad baby

Now I never was a dominatrix as all of this kinda crap creeped me out honestly. I can see a guy getting turned on by a penis going in a vagina but c’mon, pretending to be a baby? Those are some DEEP psychological issues. Even if a guy that’s into being dominated by a woman doesn’t like that and just want the good old fashioned, “Tie me up, put a leash on me, make me walk around on my hands and knees and oink like a pig” it still would make many question how fit he is for anything let alone a job in law enforcement which brings me to my next issue:

This woman was a dominatrix to put food on the table and a roof over her head but what about the officer that recognized her? Surely if they are judgmental enough to throw her away like a worthless whore they must think the guy that likes pickles in his ass while he’s gagging on shit stained panties is a circus freak right? Wrong. He’s a man. She did porn for money. He’s watching porn for enjoyment. She worked out her issues before joining law enforcement and he is obviously an avid fan to recognize a small timer quick in and out porn girl like her. We think the 1800’s of burning whores at the stake is long gone, it’s not, just reinvented.

As for the police department not wanting to be asked questions or ridiculed by other cops how about they hold these men (not boys) accountable. Why can’t there be a memo that says, “Look, yeah she did that but she has moved onto a respectable career. We should commend her for that, not berate her. If anyone has a problem you can leave or get a sanction.” End of story. Why does the woman have to leave instead of men just controlling their impulses be it of a sexual nature or just to be plain cruel?

In regards to the lawyer, she didn’t need one before them finding out if these allegations were true, she needed one after. For the millions of women that have been in the sex industry, most go unnoticed but for some of the women that get found out, they should be protected. They should be able to be a nurse or a cop if they want. It’s not fair to hold them accountable for their entire lives for something they did when they were young women. How can women from the sex industry move on if you won’t let them?

One more thing, if I was ever in trouble I would much rather this badass lady come to my rescue than Mr. Piggy-pickle.

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Work>Friends vs Friends<Work

Growing up I had never placed much value on friendships, with the type of childhood I had it seemed silly and arbitrary to worry about friends when I had more pressing issues at hand. I took that with me through my teen years and onto adulthood. While other people I knew were going out and getting lit on their 21st birthday I was on a flight to Florida to host an event. I even found it silly and embarrassing that they had surprised me with cake at the event. I didn’t want any personal touches from these people and I cared very little about my birthday, I had the same view on it as someone turning 48, just another day.


I had been conditioned to care only about surviving. Making money and buying things to ensure I’d never end up back where I was. At the beginning of my career it was necessity. I paid off debt, rented a house, bought a washer and dryer, a bed, a kitchen table with chairs.


People think that porn is easy when truth of the matter is that it’s a lot of work just like any other career. It starts with me packing a bag, making my 6am flight and preparing to leave home for 2 weeks. 8am call times, paperwork, make up, photos, the scene and often the same thing on repeat afterwards, getting home at about 9 each night each day and then waking up and doing the same thing over the next morning. It’s what makes the difference between a porn girl and a porn star. The porn stars aren’t the prettiest or the best at sex, they are the ones that get hired again and again based on dependability and professionalism.


When I wasn’t in LA shooting videos I was on the road doing store signings, feature dancing at clubs, doing photoshoots and interviews and doing guest appearances at night clubs. It sounds like a glamorous life and of course a lot of it was but it was also lonely and left little time to have much of my own life. Not being home 200 days out of the year and spending a great deal of my time on planes and in airports isn’t exactly living it up however it is exactly what I wanted.


My necessity purchases quickly became excess purchases. I was now building a custom house and trading in that cute kitchen table and chairs for an extravagant one with custom upholstered chairs. I had put my head down and hustled through life, like a football player that has the ball, looking down and just running with all his might, looking up just enough to make sure nothing is in his way, that was me. I ran and ran until before I knew it I was 28 with a beautiful home in Indiana, a gorgeous apartment in LA and a beautiful Mercedes in the driveway.


One day as I was sitting alone as usual surrounded by all of my stuff I began to walk around and touch each item. As my hand caressed over the top of each thing I realized I had completely isolated myself and that I had nobody to share any of this with. “What is the point of any of this if I don’t have anyone to share it with?” I asked myself aloud. When the few friends that had miraculously stayed by my side over the years did text me, they were met with, “I’m busy”, “I’m working” or often, no response at all. I was disgusted and disappointed with myself and knew it was time for a change.


Now I text my friends. For no reason at all. I will stop working, pick up my phone and ask how they are doing. Often we just talk about them and not me at all AND I LOVE IT because I love them and care about what they are going through and how they’re feeling.


It has changed my life being proactive with my friendships. I rekindled old friendships and made tons of new ones too. Instead of being closed off at get togethers I now open up to new people. Instead of viewing hanging out as a waste of time and thinking about how I can’t wait to get back to work I now think of it as an investment into my self care and happiness.


My money has suffered since I decided to have a personal life but what is money if I’m alone? I am much more fulfilled now. Fin.

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Vegan or Not?

I was having a hell of a time with my health when I was 23. I was tired all the time, sore everywhere, depressed and in a constant state of not feeling well. Long story short I stumbled across a diet book that happened to be about veganism called Skinny Bitch. It wasn’t opinion based but fact based. It explained in great detail not only what meat and dairy did to the body but how the body was effected by caffiene, sugar and all the other crap we put into us as well. I was between a rock and a hard place and decided to give it a go. I  switched to raw vegan overnight and within a week a felt 15 again. My energy was soaring, my mood was lifted and I had energy for everything. I was losing all of my unnecessary weight and it all just fell off week by week until my body was the most banging I had ever saw it. This lasted 2 years and for some reason I started cheating and that diet cheating ended up turning back into a full fledged binge that has lasted up until now. I don’t even know why I switched back. It doesn’t taste better, it’s just more of an addiction to fat, salt and sugar. My body now craves it and I’m finding it difficult to get off it all again. The first time around was so easy and I guess I’ve been expecting that to happen again but it hasn’t.


I’m back to feeling and looking my worst and can’t get a grasp on it again. I feel so much guilt with each meal not only because I know what it’s doing to my body but also because of the animals. The cheapest eggs I can buy at the store, the shells are so thin they almost break by picking them up. I know those chickens have never seen the light a day or walked outside of a cage, Im way too educated now on how 98% of our food is housed and produced. People say they don’t care but they don’t want to watch those undercover videos either. They would just rather live on not knowing. They get angry when certain cultures eat dogs or when they have to dissect a frog but they don’t care to know how millions of pigs and cows are treated to obtain our food. We eat way too much meat period. It makes me sad and angry and of course at myself too. I’m really disappointed in myself and hope I can get back to eating vegan soon. The sooner I do, the sooner I’ll feel 100% again. In the meantime of my body being a graveyard to animals- I’ll keep functioning at 20%.

Just like when I was young my body could process alcohol and now it makes me feel like shit, it’s the same with meat and dairy along with other processed foods. I have to be more kind to myself.

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How I Got More Friends and Close Friends at That

It really boils down to effort. Instead of worrying if people were there for me, I started to be there for them not that I didn’t want to before, I just started to see things differently. I figured the more I gave to other people the more I’d get back in return. If I allowed my general concern and care for them to show I figured they’d show me it in return. Instead of being a fair weather friend to them I thought I’d try to talk with them more, not only responding to their messages but also texting them out of nowhere too. If I thought of them I tried to message with them. It quickly started to turn around for me, the friends I had only seen at parties before were turning into friends I went out to lunch with and could talk to regarding personal issues. The saying, “You get what you’ve put in” is extremely accurate in this case. It’s nice to have people as Facebook friends but the more of those people you can cultivate into real life, deep and manful relationships, the better.

I hope I’ll be able to carry this with me when I move to NYC. Living in LA was pretty lonely, I had a few friends but wasn’t able to create what I have here in Fort Wayne. I definitely feel like I got used a lot LA, even by women that I thought were my friends but it turned out they just wanted the followers I had on social media or something and then would disappear. It’s easier to be around people with normal jobs for me because then I know they don’t have any ulterior motives.

My friends here in Indiana love me without question, they accept me for who I am, aren’t embarrassed of me and love to just be around me for me. I’m very fortunate to have such a close knit group of people. After living in LA there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel some sort of appreciation for them.

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Bree Probably Feels So Slided By Men…

On the contrary, I feel most used by women. I won’t get into all the dirty details here but I will share some things I don’t think I’ve said anywhere else; Most of my ex boyfriends were really good guys and also just most men in my life in general treated me well. I have been put in positions time and time again where I fell prey to a woman in one way or another. It wasn’t just girlfriends I had negative experiences with, it was straight women as well or gay/bi women that used me then discarded me.


I was taught by my mother very early on to have a distrust in men and I think that’s why I did though I’m not completely sure as I’m not a psychiatrist and it’s shockingly nothing I’ve ever discussed in therapy… actually I guess I’m not all that surprised it wasn’t brought up as the focal point of conversations were usually around myself or women even when I was dating a man.


I made the mistake of protecting myself from men meanwhile having a completely open gate available to women. I never questioned their intentions or their motives and that set me up for disappointment on numerous occasions.


Most of my boyfriends were such good guys and we just had trouble connecting, there was always just something off with them. It would start off solid and exciting but within a month or so it wasn’t going to the next level I would hope for and I would become really unhappy. There’s this closeness I feel with women, even a woman I have nothing in common with, I feel I can connect to more than a man I have everything in common with. That’s not to say I think men are gross, boring, unappealing etc. I don’t feel that way at all. I like guys and I even love their penis’s! lol There’s something about heterosexual sex that’s very enticing to me but that’s about the extent of it.


I had followed my desires from very early on with girls. My first kiss, losing my virginity, my 4 year girlfriend through high school and being the only out person but through fulfilling my sexual desires in porn I lost sight of who I was. My perversion fantasies about sex with men really confused me and my girlfriend at the time was always on my back that if I liked straight porn I must not be gay. Well, people can say whatever they want, I really don’t care. I’ve been dating women again and finally feel like myself. Women are much harder to keep happy, men are easier to deal with but I can’t help myself because being in a romantic relationship is what fulfills me.


I have never came with a man and I would have them use toys on me at the end to make me come so the heterosexual sex is definitely better in my fantasies. Nobody can say I just haven’t had the right guy yet either hahahahahhahahahahah. Sorry, I love that joke, I could be a billboard for gay women everywhere that are told that.


Anyways, I don’t know why when women say these things it makes men feel uneasy. When a gay man says he loves dick I have never thought to say, “You just need to try my pussy, that’ll change you!” lol, guys and their egos are really funny to me.


There are SO MANY straight women out there and when a guy hears that a girl is gay he should just be happy for her and go on living his life. I understand that my specific situation is ultra confusing for people and I don’t mind explaining it or else I wouldn’t be here writing this. I even confused myself for a long time because I’ve had trouble sorting out my desires and what they mean. What I realized is that I love ya’lls penis cause I wish I had one. That feeling I get seeing a man fuck a women is exciting to me cause I wish I could fuck her like that. I wish I could be the one coming inside her. No, not all lesbians feel that way and no I’m not gonna change into a dude though I did consider it briefly.


What I’ve realized is that my attraction to men is because I want what you have. The jealousy I have felt with every boyfriend I’ve ever had was that you got to be the man and I had to be the woman. It’s like that song “Girl Crush” I wanted to be something so bad I just wanted to be as close to it as possible. I couldn’t decipher my attraction to it or why I had a fixation with it. When I finally realized after all these years what was going on I practically had an emotional break down. It felt like I never knew myself at all. I was also really disappointed in myself because here I had assumed I was always this extremely openminded person and it turns out I was always trying to be the opposite of who I was.


How do I explain my interests then? Well, there’s 2 sides of that really. Do I like make up and dresses and all of that? Yes, is it a passion? no. Why do I like it? Cause it makes me look good. Do I like hiking, cycling, cooking and traveling? Yes. Are those passions? Yes. So I think when I dissect myself in that way I can see where my core of my being is. I’m not trying to say men have to like this and girls have to like that, I’m just saying that I’m not as feminine as I thought I once was.


I was sitting with my phychiatrist and he pointed out something very interesting that I had never thought about. My 2 phones were sitting beside me and he said look at your phone cases, they are even more masculine than mine than I started to look for things in my life like that and most things I chose that I know won’t matter to others have a masculine undertone. That really opened my eyes that a lot of what I do in terms of being feminine are to appease and bring joy to others and the things I can get away with without explaining to someone I choose masculine.


It’s been a bummer honestly, to have deceived myself for so long. I think of the joy and happiness I could have had if I’d have realized this sooner. It makes me want to get rid of everything I own because now when I look at things around me I realize most of it was a lie, things I mimicked or pretended to like, not things I really enjoy or care to be around.


Well, this turned into something completely different than what it was supposed to be. Welcome to my mind.



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When setting goals or tasks I’ve learned that before I pursue them, to ask myself what I fear about them. It’s easy to put things off and procrastinate on projects when we have an unresolved fear about them. We may not even realize what that fear is or that it’s holding us back.

With meditation to help keep a clear mind and quiet time throughout the day to reflect I’ve been able to explore some of these deep seeded issues. What makes me not want to finish my biography? Is it a fear that my family will hate me? A fear that they already don’t remember so much and won’t even believe these things happened? A fear that they’ll think I’m just doing it for attention? A fear that society will think I’m doing for attention? A fear people in general won’t believe me? A fear of putting my business out there? Well DAMN! It’s literally ALL OF THOSE THINGS! No wonder it’s taken me 5 years to write 2 chapters. Reliving my past is hard enough let alone having all these realistic fears that could possibly come to fruition with the completion of this book.

Take the one thing you want most but do nothing to get it. Be it the job, the girl the hobby. What are your fears? Scared of rejection? Failure? Think of that specific feeling and then think of the first time you ever felt that feeling.

When I was about 12 my father basically stopped talking to me all together( the full explanation and story will be in my book). It was so painful and when I think of that happening again, it terrifies me. I don’t want to relive that experience.

It’s often our pasts that dictate how we live in the present moment, let’s not let our pasts control us.

The only thing I can do in regards to my book is just finish it anyways. Sure there are realistic fears. There is a chance that my father could never talk to me again but I would hope that even if he doesn’t remember certain parts of my book that he would be able to recognize that there is a high probability that they are true. And in regards to him being upset that I wrote a book about my past I hope he could see that it is my story to tell and that I have a right to do that if I want to. The book is mostly about my mother anyways, if she were alive I know that she wouldn’t even mind that much even though it would be hard for her to take. I have a feeling she would read the book and then just give me a bunch of apologies even if her kindness didn’t last long.

As far as strangers not believing my story, well fuck them. Take it or leave it, I don’t really care. If I was writing it for attention I would’ve been able to put it out the first year I was writing it but because it is my true story it has been so challenging for me and it has taken me so long to finish.

All we can do is our best for ourselves and some people stay with us and some people will not. It’s important to stay true to ourselves and not worry about who we may have to leave behind. If people can’t support us and what is best for us then we shouldn’t be around them anyway as hard as it may be for ourselves.

Stay true to you and the glory will find you along the way.