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Work>Friends vs Friends<Work

Growing up I had never placed much value on friendships, with the type of childhood I had it seemed silly and arbitrary to worry about friends when I had more pressing issues at hand. I took that with me through my teen years and onto adulthood. While other people I knew were going out and getting lit on their 21st birthday I was on a flight to Florida to host an event. I even found it silly and embarrassing that they had surprised me with cake at the event. I didn’t want any personal touches from these people and I cared very little about my birthday, I had the same view on it as someone turning 48, just another day.


I had been conditioned to care only about surviving. Making money and buying things to ensure I’d never end up back where I was. At the beginning of my career it was necessity. I paid off debt, rented a house, bought a washer and dryer, a bed, a kitchen table with chairs.


People think that porn is easy when truth of the matter is that it’s a lot of work just like any other career. It starts with me packing a bag, making my 6am flight and preparing to leave home for 2 weeks. 8am call times, paperwork, make up, photos, the scene and often the same thing on repeat afterwards, getting home at about 9 each night each day and then waking up and doing the same thing over the next morning. It’s what makes the difference between a porn girl and a porn star. The porn stars aren’t the prettiest or the best at sex, they are the ones that get hired again and again based on dependability and professionalism.


When I wasn’t in LA shooting videos I was on the road doing store signings, feature dancing at clubs, doing photoshoots and interviews and doing guest appearances at night clubs. It sounds like a glamorous life and of course a lot of it was but it was also lonely and left little time to have much of my own life. Not being home 200 days out of the year and spending a great deal of my time on planes and in airports isn’t exactly living it up however it is exactly what I wanted.


My necessity purchases quickly became excess purchases. I was now building a custom house and trading in that cute kitchen table and chairs for an extravagant one with custom upholstered chairs. I had put my head down and hustled through life, like a football player that has the ball, looking down and just running with all his might, looking up just enough to make sure nothing is in his way, that was me. I ran and ran until before I knew it I was 28 with a beautiful home in Indiana, a gorgeous apartment in LA and a beautiful Mercedes in the driveway.


One day as I was sitting alone as usual surrounded by all of my stuff I began to walk around and touch each item. As my hand caressed over the top of each thing I realized I had completely isolated myself and that I had nobody to share any of this with. “What is the point of any of this if I don’t have anyone to share it with?” I asked myself aloud. When the few friends that had miraculously stayed by my side over the years did text me, they were met with, “I’m busy”, “I’m working” or often, no response at all. I was disgusted and disappointed with myself and knew it was time for a change.


Now I text my friends. For no reason at all. I will stop working, pick up my phone and ask how they are doing. Often we just talk about them and not me at all AND I LOVE IT because I love them and care about what they are going through and how they’re feeling.


It has changed my life being proactive with my friendships. I rekindled old friendships and made tons of new ones too. Instead of being closed off at get togethers I now open up to new people. Instead of viewing hanging out as a waste of time and thinking about how I can’t wait to get back to work I now think of it as an investment into my self care and happiness.


My money has suffered since I decided to have a personal life but what is money if I’m alone? I am much more fulfilled now. Fin.

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Vegan or Not?

I was having a hell of a time with my health when I was 23. I was tired all the time, sore everywhere, depressed and in a constant state of not feeling well. Long story short I stumbled across a diet book that happened to be about veganism called Skinny Bitch. It wasn’t opinion based but fact based. It explained in great detail not only what meat and dairy did to the body but how the body was effected by caffiene, sugar and all the other crap we put into us as well. I was between a rock and a hard place and decided to give it a go. I  switched to raw vegan overnight and within a week a felt 15 again. My energy was soaring, my mood was lifted and I had energy for everything. I was losing all of my unnecessary weight and it all just fell off week by week until my body was the most banging I had ever saw it. This lasted 2 years and for some reason I started cheating and that diet cheating ended up turning back into a full fledged binge that has lasted up until now. I don’t even know why I switched back. It doesn’t taste better, it’s just more of an addiction to fat, salt and sugar. My body now craves it and I’m finding it difficult to get off it all again. The first time around was so easy and I guess I’ve been expecting that to happen again but it hasn’t.


I’m back to feeling and looking my worst and can’t get a grasp on it again. I feel so much guilt with each meal not only because I know what it’s doing to my body but also because of the animals. The cheapest eggs I can buy at the store, the shells are so thin they almost break by picking them up. I know those chickens have never seen the light a day or walked outside of a cage, Im way too educated now on how 98% of our food is housed and produced. People say they don’t care but they don’t want to watch those undercover videos either. They would just rather live on not knowing. They get angry when certain cultures eat dogs or when they have to dissect a frog but they don’t care to know how millions of pigs and cows are treated to obtain our food. We eat way too much meat period. It makes me sad and angry and of course at myself too. I’m really disappointed in myself and hope I can get back to eating vegan soon. The sooner I do, the sooner I’ll feel 100% again. In the meantime of my body being a graveyard to animals- I’ll keep functioning at 20%.

Just like when I was young my body could process alcohol and now it makes me feel like shit, it’s the same with meat and dairy along with other processed foods. I have to be more kind to myself.

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How I Got More Friends and Close Friends at That

It really boils down to effort. Instead of worrying if people were there for me, I started to be there for them not that I didn’t want to before, I just started to see things differently. I figured the more I gave to other people the more I’d get back in return. If I allowed my general concern and care for them to show I figured they’d show me it in return. Instead of being a fair weather friend to them I thought I’d try to talk with them more, not only responding to their messages but also texting them out of nowhere too. If I thought of them I tried to message with them. It quickly started to turn around for me, the friends I had only seen at parties before were turning into friends I went out to lunch with and could talk to regarding personal issues. The saying, “You get what you’ve put in” is extremely accurate in this case. It’s nice to have people as Facebook friends but the more of those people you can cultivate into real life, deep and manful relationships, the better.

I hope I’ll be able to carry this with me when I move to NYC. Living in LA was pretty lonely, I had a few friends but wasn’t able to create what I have here in Fort Wayne. I definitely feel like I got used a lot LA, even by women that I thought were my friends but it turned out they just wanted the followers I had on social media or something and then would disappear. It’s easier to be around people with normal jobs for me because then I know they don’t have any ulterior motives.

My friends here in Indiana love me without question, they accept me for who I am, aren’t embarrassed of me and love to just be around me for me. I’m very fortunate to have such a close knit group of people. After living in LA there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel some sort of appreciation for them.

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Bree Probably Feels So Slided By Men…

On the contrary, I feel most used by women. I won’t get into all the dirty details here but I will share some things I don’t think I’ve said anywhere else; Most of my ex boyfriends were really good guys and also just most men in my life in general treated me well. I have been put in positions time and time again where I fell prey to a woman in one way or another. It wasn’t just girlfriends I had negative experiences with, it was straight women as well or gay/bi women that used me then discarded me.


I was taught by my mother very early on to have a distrust in men and I think that’s why I did though I’m not completely sure as I’m not a psychiatrist and it’s shockingly nothing I’ve ever discussed in therapy… actually I guess I’m not all that surprised it wasn’t brought up as the focal point of conversations were usually around myself or women even when I was dating a man.


I made the mistake of protecting myself from men meanwhile having a completely open gate available to women. I never questioned their intentions or their motives and that set me up for disappointment on numerous occasions.


Most of my boyfriends were such good guys and we just had trouble connecting, there was always just something off with them. It would start off solid and exciting but within a month or so it wasn’t going to the next level I would hope for and I would become really unhappy. There’s this closeness I feel with women, even a woman I have nothing in common with, I feel I can connect to more than a man I have everything in common with. That’s not to say I think men are gross, boring, unappealing etc. I don’t feel that way at all. I like guys and I even love their penis’s! lol There’s something about heterosexual sex that’s very enticing to me but that’s about the extent of it.


I had followed my desires from very early on with girls. My first kiss, losing my virginity, my 4 year girlfriend through high school and being the only out person but through fulfilling my sexual desires in porn I lost sight of who I was. My perversion fantasies about sex with men really confused me and my girlfriend at the time was always on my back that if I liked straight porn I must not be gay. Well, people can say whatever they want, I really don’t care. I’ve been dating women again and finally feel like myself. Women are much harder to keep happy, men are easier to deal with but I can’t help myself because being in a romantic relationship is what fulfills me.


I have never came with a man and I would have them use toys on me at the end to make me come so the heterosexual sex is definitely better in my fantasies. Nobody can say I just haven’t had the right guy yet either hahahahahhahahahahah. Sorry, I love that joke, I could be a billboard for gay women everywhere that are told that.


Anyways, I don’t know why when women say these things it makes men feel uneasy. When a gay man says he loves dick I have never thought to say, “You just need to try my pussy, that’ll change you!” lol, guys and their egos are really funny to me.


There are SO MANY straight women out there and when a guy hears that a girl is gay he should just be happy for her and go on living his life. I understand that my specific situation is ultra confusing for people and I don’t mind explaining it or else I wouldn’t be here writing this. I even confused myself for a long time because I’ve had trouble sorting out my desires and what they mean. What I realized is that I love ya’lls penis cause I wish I had one. That feeling I get seeing a man fuck a women is exciting to me cause I wish I could fuck her like that. I wish I could be the one coming inside her. No, not all lesbians feel that way and no I’m not gonna change into a dude though I did consider it briefly.


What I’ve realized is that my attraction to men is because I want what you have. The jealousy I have felt with every boyfriend I’ve ever had was that you got to be the man and I had to be the woman. It’s like that song “Girl Crush” I wanted to be something so bad I just wanted to be as close to it as possible. I couldn’t decipher my attraction to it or why I had a fixation with it. When I finally realized after all these years what was going on I practically had an emotional break down. It felt like I never knew myself at all. I was also really disappointed in myself because here I had assumed I was always this extremely openminded person and it turns out I was always trying to be the opposite of who I was.


How do I explain my interests then? Well, there’s 2 sides of that really. Do I like make up and dresses and all of that? Yes, is it a passion? no. Why do I like it? Cause it makes me look good. Do I like hiking, cycling, cooking and traveling? Yes. Are those passions? Yes. So I think when I dissect myself in that way I can see where my core of my being is. I’m not trying to say men have to like this and girls have to like that, I’m just saying that I’m not as feminine as I thought I once was.


I was sitting with my phychiatrist and he pointed out something very interesting that I had never thought about. My 2 phones were sitting beside me and he said look at your phone cases, they are even more masculine than mine than I started to look for things in my life like that and most things I chose that I know won’t matter to others have a masculine undertone. That really opened my eyes that a lot of what I do in terms of being feminine are to appease and bring joy to others and the things I can get away with without explaining to someone I choose masculine.


It’s been a bummer honestly, to have deceived myself for so long. I think of the joy and happiness I could have had if I’d have realized this sooner. It makes me want to get rid of everything I own because now when I look at things around me I realize most of it was a lie, things I mimicked or pretended to like, not things I really enjoy or care to be around.


Well, this turned into something completely different than what it was supposed to be. Welcome to my mind.



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When setting goals or tasks I’ve learned that before I pursue them, to ask myself what I fear about them. It’s easy to put things off and procrastinate on projects when we have an unresolved fear about them. We may not even realize what that fear is or that it’s holding us back.

With meditation to help keep a clear mind and quiet time throughout the day to reflect I’ve been able to explore some of these deep seeded issues. What makes me not want to finish my biography? Is it a fear that my family will hate me? A fear that they already don’t remember so much and won’t even believe these things happened? A fear that they’ll think I’m just doing it for attention? A fear that society will think I’m doing for attention? A fear people in general won’t believe me? A fear of putting my business out there? Well DAMN! It’s literally ALL OF THOSE THINGS! No wonder it’s taken me 5 years to write 2 chapters. Reliving my past is hard enough let alone having all these realistic fears that could possibly come to fruition with the completion of this book.

Take the one thing you want most but do nothing to get it. Be it the job, the girl the hobby. What are your fears? Scared of rejection? Failure? Think of that specific feeling and then think of the first time you ever felt that feeling.

When I was about 12 my father basically stopped talking to me all together( the full explanation and story will be in my book). It was so painful and when I think of that happening again, it terrifies me. I don’t want to relive that experience.

It’s often our pasts that dictate how we live in the present moment, let’s not let our pasts control us.

The only thing I can do in regards to my book is just finish it anyways. Sure there are realistic fears. There is a chance that my father could never talk to me again but I would hope that even if he doesn’t remember certain parts of my book that he would be able to recognize that there is a high probability that they are true. And in regards to him being upset that I wrote a book about my past I hope he could see that it is my story to tell and that I have a right to do that if I want to. The book is mostly about my mother anyways, if she were alive I know that she wouldn’t even mind that much even though it would be hard for her to take. I have a feeling she would read the book and then just give me a bunch of apologies even if her kindness didn’t last long.

As far as strangers not believing my story, well fuck them. Take it or leave it, I don’t really care. If I was writing it for attention I would’ve been able to put it out the first year I was writing it but because it is my true story it has been so challenging for me and it has taken me so long to finish.

All we can do is our best for ourselves and some people stay with us and some people will not. It’s important to stay true to ourselves and not worry about who we may have to leave behind. If people can’t support us and what is best for us then we shouldn’t be around them anyway as hard as it may be for ourselves.

Stay true to you and the glory will find you along the way.