On the contrary, I feel most used by women. I won’t get into all the dirty details here but I will share some things I don’t think I’ve said anywhere else; Most of my ex boyfriends were really good guys and also just most men in my life in general treated me well. I have been put in positions time and time again where I fell prey to a woman in one way or another. It wasn’t just girlfriends I had negative experiences with, it was straight women as well or gay/bi women that used me then discarded me.
I was taught by my mother very early on to have a distrust in men and I think that’s why I did though I’m not completely sure as I’m not a psychiatrist and it’s shockingly nothing I’ve ever discussed in therapy… actually I guess I’m not all that surprised it wasn’t brought up as the focal point of conversations were usually around myself or women even when I was dating a man.
I made the mistake of protecting myself from men meanwhile having a completely open gate available to women. I never questioned their intentions or their motives and that set me up for disappointment on numerous occasions.
Most of my boyfriends were such good guys and we just had trouble connecting, there was always just something off with them. It would start off solid and exciting but within a month or so it wasn’t going to the next level I would hope for and I would become really unhappy. There’s this closeness I feel with women, even a woman I have nothing in common with, I feel I can connect to more than a man I have everything in common with. That’s not to say I think men are gross, boring, unappealing etc. I don’t feel that way at all. I like guys and I even love their penis’s! lol There’s something about heterosexual sex that’s very enticing to me but that’s about the extent of it.
I had followed my desires from very early on with girls. My first kiss, losing my virginity, my 4 year girlfriend through high school and being the only out person but through fulfilling my sexual desires in porn I lost sight of who I was. My perversion fantasies about sex with men really confused me and my girlfriend at the time was always on my back that if I liked straight porn I must not be gay. Well, people can say whatever they want, I really don’t care. I’ve been dating women again and finally feel like myself. Women are much harder to keep happy, men are easier to deal with but I can’t help myself because being in a romantic relationship is what fulfills me.
I have never came with a man and I would have them use toys on me at the end to make me come so the heterosexual sex is definitely better in my fantasies. Nobody can say I just haven’t had the right guy yet either hahahahahhahahahahah. Sorry, I love that joke, I could be a billboard for gay women everywhere that are told that.
Anyways, I don’t know why when women say these things it makes men feel uneasy. When a gay man says he loves dick I have never thought to say, “You just need to try my pussy, that’ll change you!” lol, guys and their egos are really funny to me.
There are SO MANY straight women out there and when a guy hears that a girl is gay he should just be happy for her and go on living his life. I understand that my specific situation is ultra confusing for people and I don’t mind explaining it or else I wouldn’t be here writing this. I even confused myself for a long time because I’ve had trouble sorting out my desires and what they mean. What I realized is that I love ya’lls penis cause I wish I had one. That feeling I get seeing a man fuck a women is exciting to me cause I wish I could fuck her like that. I wish I could be the one coming inside her. No, not all lesbians feel that way and no I’m not gonna change into a dude though I did consider it briefly.
What I’ve realized is that my attraction to men is because I want what you have. The jealousy I have felt with every boyfriend I’ve ever had was that you got to be the man and I had to be the woman. It’s like that song “Girl Crush” I wanted to be something so bad I just wanted to be as close to it as possible. I couldn’t decipher my attraction to it or why I had a fixation with it. When I finally realized after all these years what was going on I practically had an emotional break down. It felt like I never knew myself at all. I was also really disappointed in myself because here I had assumed I was always this extremely openminded person and it turns out I was always trying to be the opposite of who I was.
How do I explain my interests then? Well, there’s 2 sides of that really. Do I like make up and dresses and all of that? Yes, is it a passion? no. Why do I like it? Cause it makes me look good. Do I like hiking, cycling, cooking and traveling? Yes. Are those passions? Yes. So I think when I dissect myself in that way I can see where my core of my being is. I’m not trying to say men have to like this and girls have to like that, I’m just saying that I’m not as feminine as I thought I once was.
I was sitting with my phychiatrist and he pointed out something very interesting that I had never thought about. My 2 phones were sitting beside me and he said look at your phone cases, they are even more masculine than mine than I started to look for things in my life like that and most things I chose that I know won’t matter to others have a masculine undertone. That really opened my eyes that a lot of what I do in terms of being feminine are to appease and bring joy to others and the things I can get away with without explaining to someone I choose masculine.
It’s been a bummer honestly, to have deceived myself for so long. I think of the joy and happiness I could have had if I’d have realized this sooner. It makes me want to get rid of everything I own because now when I look at things around me I realize most of it was a lie, things I mimicked or pretended to like, not things I really enjoy or care to be around.
Well, this turned into something completely different than what it was supposed to be. Welcome to my mind.